How Breaking Up Is The Best Kick In The Ass Money Can Buy 
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Often when a relationship ends you are devastated as you feel your world has been turned upside down. When it first happens, it is tough not to just focus on the negatives of the situation.
Really though, it is the ideal time to improve pretty much every aspect of your life. Once you get over the initial shock, you suddenly have an excess of time and motivation. You may have gotten lazy about trying to better yourself for your ex, but you’ll be sure to want to do so for yourself or at least to attract someone better.
When you’re in the midst of a long term relationship, you just get to a comfortable point. You either think your partner truly likes you for who you are or you just become too resentful to want to improve anything for them. Ok maybe that latter scenario isn’t too comfortable. Either situation is likely to hold you back though.
A lot of times this is mostly about improving physical appearances by getting in better shape, but it also applies to all other areas of your life…finances, career, social life, education, nutrition and overall happiness. You might just not have enough time to properly address those areas when someone else is the focus of your spare time.
Personally I am really enjoying this new found motivation. Too much was just coasting along at a sub-par level. Now that I am single and moving on, I just feel so productive. Why couldn’t I have this kind of drive for the past 10+ years? I’d be sitting pretty by now.
Maybe I was just in denial of all of this stuff not being at the level I really want it to be. In reality, I think I was just too worried about taking care of someone else to have time to worry about my own shit. I guess I’m just the type to put others before myself.
These days, beyond my cats I can just be selfish and finally put myself as my number one priority again. I admit it feels pretty damn good. I’m in the best shape of my life. My career and finances are heading in the right direction. I’m eating healthier than I ever have. Things are definitely looking up.
So maybe I shouldn’t be rushing to find Mrs. Right. Finding that perfect woman for me is just bound to kill all motivation. I’d just spend all my time with her and chatting with her when we aren’t together. She’d just be on my mind all day long. There’s no way I’d find the time to finish getting everything on track and keeping it there.
Besides, the more I get my act together, that Mrs. Right is just looking better and better. She’s getting younger, more attractive and more intelligent. I can let myself go a bit after we’re married. Then she’ll get bitter and the whole cycle can repeat itself 
Did you get a similar boost after a breakup? And am I just jaded to think the whole thing would come full circle down the road? I dunno if I actually believe that though. I just need to find the right woman who keeps me motivated.
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Sorta similar situation – my spouse started living in camp for 15 days at a time, all of a sudden I felt like I had “found” tonnes of time.
Beware of burnout for choosing to do every single thing that comes your way. My cousin got rather sick after a breakup, precisely because she never had a reason to turn any invite down really, “what else was I going to do.” So she never really scheduled any downtime.
All in all though, excellent point about falling into a routine.
Yes I do have to watch out for burnout for sure. I know I don’t really fit in enough downtime, but it’s hard to when riding the wave of motivation. I will keep that in mind for when I am more caught up on some stuff.
I definitely agree that you shouldn’t just want to jump right back into things.
However, some dudes just can’t live without somebody else with them. My brother is in the process of getting divorced (goes final in a month) and HE ALREADY IT ABOUT TO START LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMEN! It’s insanity…but he’s like that.
If it were me, I would want to just do whatever I wanted to do for awhile. I’d enjoy the freedom, hang out with some guy friends again, do what I wanted to do and enjoy working hard and getting ahead in life.
Americans (and I’m assuming Canadians) have this issue with always wanting to rush stuff. We want to get married early; the clock is ticking on having children and if you don’t have them by the time you’re 30 then you’re never going to have them!; we want to graduate college immediately after high school….but why?
Don’t people realize they have another 60 years to live?
I’m pretty sure you have enough time to take a break for a year or so before jumping back into things. I’d just enjoy being single for awhile.
Yeah those society pressures for stuff like college and marriage are a bit extreme. People get all stressed out if they don’t reach those unnecessary goals.
As for being with someone again right away, some people just really prefer that lifestyle. I was thinking that I would probably end up rushing back into it soon, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I need some ‘me’ time.
I’m glad you figured that out. I noticed you mentioned that a few times in some of our emails and I didn’t say anything as some people just prefer to always “have somebody.”
You’ll find somebody eventually…there really is no rush other than pressures society puts on people. Stupid Valentine’s day.
it sounds like you are really on the right track to getting your self together, jeremy… the more you improve yourself, the more attractive you will be for ms. right when your path’s eventually cross..
reading things like this should be a wake up call to people like me who are in relationships, but rarely take time (or have time) to improve myself.
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Yep, that Mrs. Right just won’t be able to resist the future me lol. I wasn’t intending this as a wakeup call for those in a happy relationship though. It can be very enjoyable to focus mostly on the people you love. It is just tough to balance that with improving yourself. Some things can be done simultaneously like how you go on your walks with your kids. You’re spending time with them but also getting some exercise and fresh air.
Unfortunately (for you) I cannot offer any advice because I have been with the same person since I was 18, but I can attest to what you are feeling, when you finally are able to beat those inner demons and start putting yourself first.
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Congrats on being with the same person for the last 10+ years. You must have really found something special. It does sound like you are able to take time to pursue the things you want though. You are writing a book and improving your finances a lot. Sometimes a strong partner actually makes those things easier.
It’s true – breaking up does give you a kick in the ass. With my ex, I finally realized that I could do things on my own that didn’t always involve someone else’s opinion. Now that I’ve been in a relationship for a long time though, you learn to take your partner’s opinions/needs/wants as your own. Maybe that’s just how I think of it. I put others before myself but at the same time I feel like I’m pretty selfish so I will still get things done for me.
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You don’t seem very selfish to me. I think that it’s great that you are still able to pursue further college and other stuff that will make you happy. I’m sure that’s gotta be tough to go after when in a long term relationship, especially with college being in a different city.
I think you’re right that is can be a kick in the pants to get moving but hopefully your next significant other can keep that fire going. The downside of breakups (other than the breakup itself) is that if you were living together the shared expenses must now be covered by only one… unless you get a roommate.
Yup, the extra expenses is a huge burden, but the extra freedom makes it well worth it. It would be nice to find someone with similar drive though. Sometimes it is just easier to kick back and spend time with each other and push life goals to the side.
Glad to see you’re finding the silver lining to this situation. And I agree that this is a good opportunity to do so. I remember one time I broke up with my girlfriend right before Thanksgiving. Rather than being sad, I went out and bought myself so much stuff for Christmas it was unreal!
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Haha yes a breakup can lead to a bunch of shopping too. Fortunately I’m not much for shopping. So I saved some money there.
I think the right Mrs. Right won’t kill your motivation, and that’s why she’ll be Mrs. Right. The right person always makes you want to improve yourself and move forward in life. That’s what I think anyway. I guess after you’re with someone awhile you do sorta get comfy and stop working quite as hard to improve, but I really think the right person makes you want to improve continually. LIke my wife and me!
Or like, what’s that movie?? “You make me want to be a better man.” I don’t know what movie that comes from, but, that’s what Mrs. Right will do! Obviously, the chick you ended things with was Ms. Wrong. Glad you’re motivated now and getting on track!
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The ironic thing is that in my depression group therapy today we actually covered passivity a lot. Apparently lots of depressed people are generally passive people. They are too worried about trying to keep others happy that they don’t take care of their needs. So maybe this whole therapy thing is actually the key to breaking the cycle.
A break up caused my dance career to skyrocket. I made tons of money, danced all over the world and got free food a drinks in places people only dream of. And my love life… Well let’s just say it was pretty fun back then.
Sounds like you can totally relate Jai, although you’re doing a lot to improve yourself in your current relationship. So I guess you found a supportive woman to keep you going.
I think a breakup is always a good time to self-reflect and see what areas you can improve in your own life. Then you get to bring a better you to the table in the next relationship.
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Yup exactly what I was thinking. Somehow that self reflection just gets buried in many relationships. Then when you have the free time and one less person to worry about, you really start thinking of how you can improve yourself.
There’s obviously a great benefit in being in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship. Sharing time with a significant other can do wonders for your self-esteem. However, being by yourself has its benefits as well. It forces you to really take stock in where you are socially and financially. This is where you would experience the greatest personal growth.
As far as jumping back into things, it’s best that you take advantage of being by yourself and use this time to improve those important areas of your life that are giving you challenges, and then slowly reintergrate yourself back into the dating game.
Thanks for the support Anthony. I can always count of you for some sound advice. I think that’s what I’ll do. No point in rushing back into when I’ve got all this self improvement energy going. Time to use some energy on myself.
Couldn’t agree with this more. When I’m single, it’s like I’m finding myself again. And I find out there’s all these awesome things I can do that I didn’t bother with before. Now, hopefully I’ll never be single again. Really into the boyfriend. Hopefully we always will be really into each other and trying to impress. But I get what you mean. Usually relationships settle in to comfortable mode. Or just end.
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If you both care about each other enough, you can definitely keep the self growth going. I don’t know the secret to avoiding getting into the phase where that growth stops though. Maybe it is supposed to die off over time. I dunno.
I’ve never experienced a bad break up myself, though I do believe when you find the right person, you won’t get lazy but they’ll inspire you, support you, and make you want to keep fit (physically, financially, mentally) to keep things fresh, fun, and interesting. It also helps if you are an ambitious person and your partner is too, so you can both motivate each other to keep trying and better yourself.
Glad to hear that you’ve found someone supportive like that. Turns out in my case it’s more about my passive nature that makes me stop trying to improve. I just get so focused on trying to make the other person happy. If I had known my group therapy was going to cover this today, I might’ve waited on this topic.
Breaking up does give you a kick in the pants. When I broke up with the ex it was a 5.5 year much needed break up. Want to know how long I was going out with them? 5.5 years. It made me rethink a lot of things I had been doing and I’m glad I made the choices I did. Today, I’m working on paying off debts and am planning a wedding. I’m not a spendy person anymore. I used to be because all that he wanted was “the best” and for some reason, “the best” always came with a price tag attached.
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Sorry to hear that you previous relationship was so rough and that it dragged on like that so long. It sounds like you just didn’t see eye to eye on things. At least now you can get your life going in the direction that is going to make you happy.
Haha – yep, sometimes we need the rug ripped out from under us to figure out we weren’t paying enough attention to getting on solid ground. Good to hear how well you’ve been doing lately!
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Thanks Nick. I’m glad about it all too. I guess it really was just what I needed to get happy again.
You finally “get back to the man you used to be”.. and more! I believe when the right person comes along you will work together at the relationship and continue to appreciate each others passions in life. So if you want to go to the gym everyday then go, don’t let a girl stop you… if she respects your decision to stay fit she should be happy for you maybe even join you. If your girl wants to go to a weekly sewing club, let her go… too many times couples that get involved forget about the person they used to be and become joined at the hip. At one point you will think about that person you used to be and want that person back but at what expense. Knowing what you want and staying the course is one of the keys to a happy relationship. It’s true so many people that break up don’t even act the same nor look the same, everything changes.. Thanks for a great post. Mr.CBB
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I just wish I had taken this group therapy a long time ago. Here I was blaming my ex for the stuff I stopped doing, but it was each our own doing. We were both becoming too passive to care enough about keeping ourselves happy. I’ll definitely put a different foot forward in my next relationship.
It’s great to move on from negative or just blah relationships. I’m excited for you that you are in that sweet spot of being excited about everything again and just working on your own stuff. Good for you! I have found that time apart is really important for my own relationship to stay strong. We have unique work situations in construction where either one of us is away for weeks at a time. At first, that sounds really scary and you don’t want them to leave, but lately I’ve realized that we are lucky to have a life where no day is the same, and both of us have time to work on our own stuff, it definitely makes me come back with new enthusiasm and want to make sure we do value the time we do get to spend together.
Yuck, that comment was riddled with horrible grammar. Sorry.
I didn’t even notice. I let my grammar slip a bit in the comments anyway. Might as well keep this section a bit more laid back.
That’s awesome that you and your boyfriend are making the most out of that situation. You would totally appreciate each other more when there are those breaks all the time. Plus it would allow you to pursue your own things such as your blog easier.
I don’t know that I buy into the whole “letting yourself go” once you’re married. Granted, I’m not “as” concerned with how I look and stuff now that I’m married, but I still want to look good and be in good shape for my wife. We want to grow old together and be able to enjoy our health when we’re old, and taking care of ourselves now is the best way if doing that.
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No I didn’t truly buy that line either myself. That was just me being a cynic for a bit. My mind changed completely at my group therapy thing today when we discussed passivity. That is usually the real problem when one person stops pursuing their own interests.
I am with you. Getting too comfortable in a relationship can be a motivation kill. For me it took a few years to realize that I needed to focus on what was best for me and the relationship rather than always tending to everyone else.
Maybe you should just enjoy your single days awhile longer.
I am enjoying, but it’s just not the same cuddling with my cats lol. It sounds like you were like me being more worried about keeping everyone else happy. Eventually you have to be more assertive and take care of yourself too.
Hmmm I don’t remember if I told you about my breakupstory, I might have. I’m still looking for the right guy, my ex definitely wasn’t/isn’t. I think that the right person doesn’t hold you back from being your best, but propells you to be your best. Team-mates, perhaps my view is too romantic… we’ll see
Nope, someone stopped replying
lol. I don’t think you told me the story anyway. You’re definitely right that the right person shouldn’t be holding you back. Just remember that a big part of that is how passively you approach the situation from the start. If the other person gets too used to controlling the situation, good luck with trying to balance that out with pursuing what interests you.
You’ve got mail! :$ I definitely had that problem, you are right! I let myself get completely swept away and when I started pursuing my own interests again, a lot fell apart. Not healthy but I am happy I learned it now and now and not at 46.
haha now I feel bad for guilting you into a reply. I was just teasing. You’ll have to tell me more about your whole situation with your ex. Sounds like there’s some good stories there. But yeah, it’s good that you learned that lesson while you’re young.
I agree with you both that a relationship takes a team working together and that each one should be supporting the other and not tearing down or being a taker. Serving each other in love and putting the other first.
Jeremy, I like your motivation. At times I find myself being pretty cynical too. I wonder if it’s our age and experiences. But it isn’t going to keep us down! I know she’s out there and I’m aging like fine wine. haha!
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Yup you have to be a cohesive team, but it’s really up to each person to be assertive to make sure their needs are being met. The tricky part is putting the other person without making yourself too distant a 2nd.
As for motivation, it’s great now, but I think it was just being held back for way too long that it’s all being released at once now. I’m enjoying it while it lasts. And I definitely agree that she’s out there for me too. It’s just a matter of finding her.
My last breakup, I fell apart. I stopped doing everything just about except for walking. I enjoy long walks, especially alone. I can just ignore the rest of the world. Over a 2 year period, I walked 2000 miles and lost 80lbs.
Wow that’s some impressive weight loss. And that was just from walking? I enjoy a nice long walk on my own too. There’s a really good park close by that I love taking walks around. I haven’t been keeping up with it as I get busy with work, but I should get out there again soon.
To be fair, the not eating was probably a signifigant part of that weight loss, as well.
Walks are something that have fallen my the wayside for me as well. After working a 10 hour shift in the heat (it got to 100 yesterday!), all I want to do when I get home is collapse in the air conditioning.
haha yeah I think not eating would have something to do with it too. Unfortunately I don’t have as good an excuse to be neglecting walks lately. It hasn’t been too hot here and I haven’t been exhausted. I’ve just been too caught up with work.
Jeremy,
I’m liking your new found motivation.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again – your story reminds me of my self 3yrs ago. Congrats, and keep up the great work!
Yeah I actually took some of your advice to heart about enjoying being single. I was too focused on the benefits of being with someone and kinda ignoring all the benefits of being single.
I may be the only person who is going to say this, but I enjoy the single life at times. I think everyone wants companionship, and I’m no exception, but my lifestyle right now allows to me to get the most of being single.
If I want to jump on a plane and go join a friend in Italy, or Spain or 1 of a million other places, the pressure of having to mention it to someone else is beyond priceless.
I do make it a point to call my mom and let her when I leave the country tho.
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For sure, that kinda freedom is priceless. If you were with someone you’d have to discuss all the finances behind it and then there might be resentment if only one person was going on a trip. Plus if you are traveling a lot and trying to do side work like running a blog, you would just struggle to find time to be with that person.
I have always enjoyed being in a relationship and been happy but I can say that when relationships have ended it has allowed me the time and reflection to concentrate on myself and how I can be better for the next person. I went through a bad break up a number of years ago that really hit me hard but I came out a much stronger, confident,and smarter person. I am now the great wife that I am because of it.
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It sounds like I’m in the same place you were a number of years ago. My whole mindset has completely changed and I’m taking a totally different approach on life. I no longer feel confined to the various limitations that I perceived in the past. I do enjoy being in a relationship too, but now probably isn’t the best time for that.
Jeremy – really enjoyed this post. It’s a tough call to know how things will end up in relationships. After I got married I lost a bunch of weight. Then put it all back on and more sigh..now have lost some of it again and Mr. Canuck Buck is doing the same. I definitely agree that you are less likely to push yourself in a relationship – but sometimes it’s nice to have the built in moral support that (hopefully!) comes with it.
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It is interesting how being accountable to someone can go both ways. When one of you is motivated, you can push each other to keep improving. When you’re both slacking though, it’s easy to stay in that rut with your partner. I assume lots of relationships go in similar up and down cycles like that.
If my husband ever “broke up” with me, that would be a huge kick in the ass for me. Since I’m not working, I’d have to get some kind of career going or I’d be living in a box.
As for health, finances and appearance, I’m working on that now and things are going great.
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Good to hear that you’re making good progress on improving your health. If the breakup is actually a divorce it would definitely be even more of a kick in the ass. It would be especially rough with no job. That’s almost the situation I was in, but no messy divorce to deal with.